Good morning dear Father, 

it is Christmas Eve.  We had our family Christmas last night.  It was a sweet time.  How I love our fireplace and the beauty of the lights, reminding us that You truly are the light of the world.

And what makes You the light of the world?  Among so many other things Father, the fact that You are Love.  Your Love shines into our hearts, giving us purpose, meaning, strength and the ability to go on.

We tried to read the Christmas story and advent readings.  And we did pretty well despite two little ones who fussed off and on.  We all juggled the babies and our Bibles in our laps, me desperately trying to soak in the beauty and meaning of these words.  

Isaiah 11:1-10

1 There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch shall grow out of his roots.

2 And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.

3 And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide by what his ears hear;

4 but with righteousness he shall judge the poor, and decide with equity for the meek of the earth; and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked.

5 Righteousness shall be the girdle of his waist, and faithfulness the girdle of his loins.

6 The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, and the calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them.

7 The cow and the bear shall feed; their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

8 The sucking child shall play over the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder's den.

9 They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain; for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea.

Selah.

As I think of this Christmas, it isn't like it was when I was a child, all about the lights, the music, the gifts, the food.  

There are deep, deep things going on in my heart this Christmas.  Just yesterday Father, I had another conversation and doctors appt for Josiah.  After all my effort to get a swallow study for Josiah, the swallow study still hasn't come through and the doctor can't approve for the lvns to feed Josiah by mouth.  The swallow has been done but it must be sent over from CHOC.  And even then Father, who knows if they will say it is outdated and I will have to do another?  Medical policies are so challenging sometimes Father.  Simple care and simple feeding of my child becomes so challenging.  And sometimes it is just so hard emotionally, and the tears flow.  

And then I see the sorrows of this world oh so clearly.  The sorrows of disabled children, abandoned, neglected because of their disabilities.  I see the sorrows of babies aborted.  The brutal killing of the littlest ones in our society.  One was aborted because he had a deformed left hand.  I see the values we all hold in our heart.  If there is not perfection, there is no value.  I think of the screams of those precious little ones, the unspeakable pain they must go through and my heart weeps.  And I think of the evil on the other side of the world, ISIS and the slavery of women and the beheadings and Jihad. And I wonder about the evil, and the lust for power and glory to the exclusion of love.   And sometimes Father, often, I look inside my own heart.  I see the desires I have to follow you to be a person after Your heart, and instead I see impatience, and anxiety, and anger and frustration as I walk through my daily struggles of having way too much to do, of longing for peace and quiet and having noise, confusion and chaos, of my longing for order and peace and constantly having the chaos of precious little people and needing to teach little ones how to love each other, get along, be responsible etc., etc., etc. 

But Lord Jesus, what is the hope of this world.  

How thankful I am Father, that the hope of this world is not in me.  That the hope of this world in not in medical systems, although medical help is a wonderful thing.  That the hope of this world is not in government system, although I do believe that justice is worth fighting for.  

But our ultimate hope Father is in You, and Your precious gift of a relationship with You,  and in the changed hearts You give us when we walk beside You, longing to see the world as You do.   And Father, we are so, so thankful that there is ultimate hope.  When we die we can have the hope of seeing Jesus face to face.  What a beautiful time that will be.  All the sorrows of this world will fade away.  

Until then, we are thankful Jesus, that You are indeed, the light of the world.  You are the light of the world, in the darkest night.  As we come to the darkest time of the year physically, and as we light up a miliion different small lights, we can know that in the great darkness of the world, that You Jesus, are the light held up to the world.  You are the answer, the peace, the joy, and the love.

John 3:17-21

17 For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.

19 And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.

20 For every one who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.

21 But he who does what is true comes to the light, that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God.

II Cor. 4:6 

6 For it is the God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

Psalm 119:105

105 Thy word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

John 1:1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

2 He was in the beginning with God;

3 all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made.

4 In him was life, and the life was the light of men.

5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Another ER visit and more to think and work through

So yesterday.......  Ah, yes, yesterday.  We got home at 12:15 actually THIS morning I guess.  The whole family.  Sweet little Josiah helped the family to bond in the ER again.

It all kind of started on Sunday, but more specifically last week.

Josiah is on Pediaure for his daily food intake and he has been for over a year.  Once we got through the trauma of his gtube and fundoplication surgeries, as well as his hip abduction surgeries, I was able to start thinking through smaller everyday things.  So, naturally as a granola geeky mom who has always loved nutrition, I start looking at his diet.

Now before I give Pediasure negative press I need to say this.  It has been working.  Josiah is growing.  It can be in his food bag without me worrying about it going bad over 24 hours.  But I am struggling with giving him just Pediasure for growth.  Here is why.  Take a look at these ingredients and see if there is anything that concerns you.  (My first though honestly was that if the second ingredient is sugar does that raise blood sugar levels too high.?....., I start thinking diabetes.... , I start dreaming of healthier carb choices.)

 ingredients:

WATER, SUGAR (SUCROSE), CORN MALTODEXTRIN, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, HIGH OLEIC SAFFLOWER OIL, SOY OIL, COCOA POWDER (PROCESSED WITH ALKALI), SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, MEDIUM-CHAIN TRIGLYCERIDES; LESS THAN 0.5% OF: SHORT-CHAIN FRUCTOOLIGOSACCHARIDES, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, MAGNESIUM PHOSPHATE, CELLULOSE GEL, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, CALCIUM CARBONATE, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, POTASSIUM PHOSPHATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, SALT (SODIUM CHLORIDE), CHOLINE CHLORIDE, SOY LECITHIN, MONOGLYCERIDES, C. COHNII OIL, ASCORBIC ACID, CELLULOSE GUM, CARRAGEENAN, m-INOSITOL, TURMERIC, POTASSIUM HYDROXIDE, TAURINE, FERROUS SULFATE, dl-ALPHA-TOCOPHERYL ACETATE, L-CARNITINE, ZINC SULFATE, CALCIUM PANTOTHENATE, NIACINAMIDE, FD&C RED#3, MANGANESE SULFATE, THIAMINE CHLORIDE HYDROCHLORIDE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE, RIBOFLAVIN, CUPRIC SULFATE, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, FOLIC ACID, CHROMIUM CHLORIDE, BIOTIN, SODIUM SELENATE, SODIUM MOLYBDATE, POTASSIUM IODIDE, PHYLLOQUINONE, CYANOCOBALAMIN, AND VITAMIN D3.

CONTAINS SOY AND MILK INGREDIENTS.

 These ingredients are...., well...., not what I would feed my other children.  (Ummmm., ever!!)  But you know what.  I need Josiah to grow.  The doctors need to know Josiah is going to grow and this is easy and simple for them.  They know that PediaSure is clinically proven.  It is scientifically proven.  

But I still requested to see a dietician...., I am grateful they obliged.  We worked out a very loose plan.....

Over the weeks I have a really hard time getting it started.  It is so easy to just put food in a bag and on continuous feed.  Giving him real food means I can't leave it out for 12-24 hours which means that there are food safety issues.  

And food in large amounts seems to make him gag and choke.   Sometimes this gagging and choking is very mild and find and he can get himself out of it.  Sometimes like yesterday it crosses the line into dangerous.  Very dangerous.  

It was at the point where they think they put him into seizures.  Sunday they were very mild and there were only 1-2.  Yesterday there were 10-12 in one day to where he stopped breathing and choked on his own saliva and changed colors for 30-60 seconds.  My neighbor saw it and was as terrified as I was.

Off to the ER we went.... my sweet neighbor driving so I could sit in the back if Josiah had another seizure and had a hard time breathing again.

After being for 7 hours their basic thoughts were that these were seizure episodes and he had mild dehydration.  So he was put on a basic rehydration formula.  And they want to up his seizure meds slightly (which always makes it so hard.... upping any med is really hard on me), and put him back on Pediasure until we can see the GastroIntestinal doctor in a week (which coincidentally happens to be Elijahs's birthday, poor little guy).

It will be simpler, but I still don't like the ingredients in what I give him daily.  But we need to see if we can get him to a normal baseline again and than maybe they will let me try and tweak things again?

But maybe they will be too nervous to do that. And I completely understand. And than I will get frustrated and nervous.

So I am praying that the doctor and I can work together really well.  And that I can understand their concerns.  And that they can understand mine.  And if mind changes and understanding needs to happen that that can happen smoothly and peacefully.

And that sweet Josiah can thrive.  And that my family can thrive under all the pressure they are under now.  And that we would all love one another.  Because really, that is the most important thing right?  And it has been shown that it is one of the best medicines.  

So, these are my struggles.  And these are poor Josiahs struggles.  

And I'd appreciate prayer.

I have more research to do.  I need to see if he has food allergies or sensitivies because he did ok with certain foods for quite a while.  I need to see if feeding him meal like amounts causes problems.  I tried some supplements to try to give him better nutrition and I need to see if those caused problems.  One did say use with caution if there is a history of epilepsy.  

So, I need to do research.  Along with all the other caregiving responsibilities.  And taking care of my sweet other children.  And my hardworking  husband who this puts stress on.  And trying to move.  And being pregnant.  And going to doctors appointments for OTHER things.  And getting Elijah through oral surgery this Thursday.  

Oh my.  

I'd appreciate any and all prayers.  

But I know all of you have things going on in your life as well.  Please feel free to leave any prayer requests and I will try and pray as I am able.  

God bless anyone who actually takes the time to read this.  And have a really good day.

Grateful

I'm pretty grateful right now for a husband who is coming home and tag teaming with me.  It has been a pretty long afternoon, and I was emotionally close to the end. He is taking over talking to the little one about listening and asking questions before doing a project that can cause messes, helping encourage in their chores that I didn't have the emotional strength to enforce etc.  I was talking to the pulmonologist and it was discouraging as she says that Josiah has chronic bronchitis. It can be discouraging. I will enjoy this moment. I am grateful for my cup of tea, my chair and a window to look up to the sky.

Biblical Love, I Cor. 13, Love is Patient

Why study Biblical love?

Here is the answer, from the Bible.

The greatest commandment is this, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."  And the second is like it.  "Love your neighbor as yourself."

On these two hinge all the laws and the prophets.

"Now these three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love."  I Cor. 13

So obviously, I do not write these posts because I have it all together.  And I do not write this post because I am a perfectly patient person.  To say so would be an outright lie.  Rather, I post this as a fellow learner, a fellow traveler, one who needs this Word in my life desperately, for I know the reality of my humanity and the need for Christ and His Word in my life.  

And so, onwards.  Let's look at

"Love is Patient."

Definition of Patience:

Noun The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

I think I am ready to stop right there.  How about you?  Seriously.  Accept trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset?????? I'm toast.  How many times a day do I become impatient.   So before we go on, let's think about something REALLY important.   Learning about this definition of love is important.  This is GOD's standard.  And I really care about God's standard, because He is the One I want to live for. But pretty much, I know I am going to fail, so rather than let that discourage me, it needs to make me run to God's grace and mercy.  And He is wonderfully gracious and merciful.  And it is His kindness that will lead us to repentance.  When we fail we can run to Him, hide our faces in his shirt so to speak, be assured of His wonderful love for us, and than we can continue on.   So, I have run into God's grace and mercy realizing I will never be able to do this perfectly.  And I am ready to keep going.  How about you?  Please run to Him first before you continue, realizing how much he loves you and accepts you.  He is not shocked.  He knows everything.  But he is glad you want to be more loving, that pleases  Him.   So Lord Jesus, because our finite efforts no matter how small and imperfect please you, we continue on.   St. Augustine said, "Patience is the companion of wisdom."   In order to be patient with others, look for others' needs.  Let them ahead of you, and let their needs come first.  Phil. 2 says "Look out not only for your own interests but all the interest of others."  Patience is not thinking so much about our own needs and rights.  It is being kind to others, being in self control for everyone's benefit.   Patience can stem from empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.  Empathy is something that I definitely want to learn.

My "small" goals

-Learn to be a good listener with my kids and my husband and my friends in my small groups.  This means getting off the electric device and really listening with my kids and hubby.  This means not thinking through what I am going to say next but really entering into what they are saying.  

- Speak gently and not harshly

-Bear with the weaknesses and failings of others with more grace.  

Well, I already feel a little overwhelmed writing these goals out and I am embarrassed writing them out in front of you because I know that while these are truly the desire of my heart I will fail.  But friend, let's keep each other accountable anyway, not shocked and disgusted when we fail, but giving each other grace and mercy and the time and freedom to learn and continue on by God's grace.  And let's ask the Lord to change our heart and keep our heart sensitive to obey His Holy Spirit.  

Time to remind myself why I am studying this again.  

The greatest commandment is this, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."  And the second is like it.  "Love your neighbor as yourself."

On these two hinge all the laws and the prophets.

"Now these three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love."  I Cor. 13

When little ones show you the reality of who you are

The little ones are fighting..... again.  I am outside on the swing and happily reading when I see one of them wiping their eyes, saying it hurts.  Bubbles have flown into their eyes, they have been teased.  Just like yesterday they were  teased.  We try and figure out what happen, "I didn't do it."  "It was an accident".  Another adult saw it.  It wasn't an accident.  There was teasing, provoking.

I get frustrated.  "You must be kind!!!"  And when I am supposed to be in control and the adult, I have to tell myself, to stop, not be angry, and not respond in anger and frustration.

These little ones, how they show me my sin.

I am sorry little ones for the fact that I am not a perfect mama, that I still deal with my frustration and anger too.  We both need a Savior, we both need the Prince of Peace, the Spirit working in and changing our hearts.

If I ever really mess up, please come tell me.  I want to change.  I want to be open to correction from you, while realizing the amazing responsibility of having to correct and train you.

How do I do this?  How do I correct you when I see my own sin so much?  We both need grace.  We both need correction.  We both need love and understanding.

I still need to correct you.  Being unkind and lying is not ok.  It needs to be addressed.  But my own sinful tendency towards overreacting in frustration is not ok either.

We are both pilgrims on this journey.  Someday we will both stand before our Savior, and He will judge us, not on our works but on our hearts towards Him, our softness to His correction, how we learned to love others.

And so I pray for both of us that we will somehow walk in the amazing grace of the gospel, forgetting what is behind, pressing on towards the goal, loving and cherishing, for love is the greatest commandment.

I really do love you my little ones.  Pray for me as I learn to be the mama He has called me to be.

Do we fight social justice issues as Christians? Beginning thoughts

So, I really don't have much time today. In fact I am on borrowed time already, I really SHOULD be my dishes, but instead I am taking advantage of the baby sleeping and the kids playing to write this.  And we will see how long little one sleeps....

Anyways, I have been thinking through thistopic the last few days.  I have been on a kick of social justice issues, and I feel alive with that.  But then someone private messaged me saying that they would expect me to be writing more about trusting God etc.

So, I have been thinking through all.  And I am in no way an expert on these things. But my thoughts bubble to the surface and here they are.

First and foremost I am a Christian.  And thank goodness for that.  It is the very air I breathe.  Life without Christ is no life at all..  The realization that  thankfully this life is not all there.  What a wonderful hope when we will have no more tears, no more pain.  My beautiful son will be able to put his arms around me, walk around, speak to me.  Although he "speaks" to me in a special way now, and so sweetly.

Thankfully we have eternal hope as Christians.  That is my sweetest comfort at the most of challenging of times, such as when I realize that my son will not have a normal life expectancy.

But....., I don't think that means that we can't fight for justice.

The Bible says, "I have fought the good fight......".  This life was never meant to be a vacation in Hawaii.  (Although I am more than ready for one, if anyone wants to send us I won't say no.  ;))

But the point is, we have to be willing to get up everyday and go to battle.  Sometimes that means doing the dishes AGAIN (ahem....), or cleaning the house AGAIN, or correcting our children again in a loving tone and not being impatient (ahemmm....errrr, I think I needed this self talk).  This is a battle.  But it is not a battle in which we wonder if we will be conquerors or not.  It is already conquered.  Thank goodness.  But that doesn't mean we don't have to do anything.  Scripture says that the Lord gave us talents, some 10, some 5, some 2, some 1, and all He really cares about is that we INVEST them some way or another.  Thankfully He is full of grace, and we are not saved by our works.

There was a time after the message from my friend that I really felt like I messed up pretty badly.  I felt like I offended people, I felt like after I was so cautious for so long in what I said in one moment of emotion and lack of sleep and frustration I undid everything.  And there is the beauty of the gospel.  When I mess up, guess who loves and forgives me.  Guess who picks me up and tells me to keep going.  The Bible says, "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to purify us from all unrighteousness."   He is so good.

So, I believe that out of love for my fellow man (which as a simple reminder is the second greatest commandment), I need to fight some social justice issues.  No, I can't do it better than Jesus, but it is a way for me to love.  And if I see the terror and the trauma of abortion and say nothing than maybe I will be held accountable? .  Where is that Scripture (must ask hubby) that if the watchman on the wall sees danger coming and says nothing the watchman is guilty, but if the watchman sees danger coming and says something the watchman is innocent.  No, I am not saved by this, clarifying again.  But I have a responsibility.

Maybe my opinion will be wrong sometimes.  My opinion is not always the Lords because I am human and I  am searching everyday to know His heart.  When I hurt others I grieve, when I misrepresent His name I grieve.  But I must dust myself off and keep going.  Because I run this race for Him.

And when my walk is not so dramatic as fighting the battle of abortion and social injustice, may my little battle of loving my neighbor, loving my friends, loving my church family, loving my family, loving my husband, loving my children, keeping control over my house, and making home a place where hopefully and prayerfully (please Lord), my family wants to be and return to..., ., may this battle, perhaps the most difficult and hidden, be one the Lord is honored in.

Discipleship

Luke 14:25-28

"If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison-, your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters-, yes, even your own life.  Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.  And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple.    But don't begin until you count the cost.  For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it?"

Lord Jesus, what an incredibly powerful verse.  

And here is an article on discipleship.  

http://heartofwisdom.com/blog/discipleship-and-the-hebraic-worldview/