When you are disappointed in yourself.

Sometimes it just seems like I'm doing so well.  I do the right things at the right time.  I'm eating right, I do my hair right, I'm fitting into my pants rights, I have my devotions and they are meaningful and speak right to me, I am a great mom, I never get impatient, I never say or do silly stupid things that make people look at me and shake their head, I smile at the right times, I say the right things, and they are all actually sincere, I get all my housework done, even with three kids, and I do their homeschool and they learn wonderfully, I speak perfectly to my husband and am a great wife......

And then there are those other days...., or even years....., and I get frustrated.  There is this vision of me that I know I should be, and whom I am falls woefully short.  The baby is up all night or his medicine is off and I am impatient and short with the kids, little things that shouldn't bother me do, I fall apart on my husband and he listens so kindly.

And then there are those times I say things in a group of people, or on Facebook and I realize it was really silly and people must wonder about me.  And even worse is when they say something about it, and I wish I hadn't been so open and honest about my insecurities, frustrations, humanness.  I wish I could just be seen by everyone as always perfect and having it together, and as always being sweet,and skinny, and never having a temper...., and I sigh.

Thankfully, God knows that we are not perfect.  He of course doesn't WANT me to say stupid things, or get frustrated with my kids, or, or, or...., but He is not surprised by it, and He loves me anyways.

Isn't that a truly beautiful thing.

And even when there are the things that are even worse about me, like when I hold a grudge, or I develop bitterness, or when I hurt someone unintentionally, or when I am not true to my word and am a flake.  These things are not OK to Him, but His wonderful grace and forgiveness steadies me and gives me the strength to keep going. 

He loves me.

The Bible says He knows we are but dust, and He does not give to us as our sins deserve. 

What a beautiful thing.  That is why grace is so amazing. 

Unlike that popular post on Facebook a while back "There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of everyone that brings you down,"  the Lord never lets go of us.  He always believes in us, He is always willing to be there for us, He sees us through the blood of His Son, Jesus.  I am so grateful that God doesn't dismiss us as his friends as easily as other people do. 

There are some people who cannot handle your issues.  Who don't do well when you have a bad day.  What about when you have a special needs child and you grieve for months.  There are some people who expect you to snap out of it quickly and hold it all together, just like you did before you received the devastating news.  There were some people who told me that I wanted too much sympathy (when I did everything I could not to burden others with my sorrow and my grief), there were those who told me that I didn't have enough faith in God or my son wouldn't have been born with a disability, there were those who told me I should have aborted him. 

Oh, thank goodness the Lord never says those things to us.  In fact he even says, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden."  He says, "Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." 

And even when things are our fault, He says, "There is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  "As far as the east is from the west is how far he has removed our transgressions from us." 

So, I am going to acknowledge my sin, and I am going to kneel before the Lord and thank Him.  Thank Him for unconditional love, thank Him that He doesn't see me that way, but He sees me through His Son Jesus, thank Him that I can continue on. 

I don't have to have self esteem, I can have amazing grace and unconditional love.  I don't have to pull myself up by my bootstraps, I am being lifted up gently in strong, loving, forgiving arms and loved, accepted, understood and gently told to continue on, to try again, to not become weary in well doing.  I have love to back me up, strong arms to run into.

People will see and believe what they want to see.  Sometimes what they see is valid, sometimes it isn't.  But thankfully the Lord is willing to be our strength, our confidence, our security.

When I am disappointed in myself, there is someone who still believes in me.  I am grateful, and pray I can walk in that knowledge and truly believe it. 

What is my purpose?

We say goodbye, we close the doors behind us so to speak.  We acknowledge the challenging, the difficult, but we choose to look at the good, we choose to be thankful. 

And as we move from one phase to another, the question starts to plague us..... what is our purpose now?  That thing that defined us for so long, that was so much of who we were.  We left for what we believe were good reasons, reasons that honored the Lord, that would bring about spiritual health for our family, but so much of who we were was wrapped up in this circumstance of our life.

And so, thankfully, I am driven back to the Word, not back to my external works and what looks righteous, but to the One to whom my heart is laid bare.

And in Him is peace, and these incredibly comforting thoughts....

My purpose is simple.

To love the Lord with all my heart, mind, and strength

To love other people as myself.  

My purpose is not in an outward position, but in an inward position of the heart.  My purpose is not in an outward acknowledgement of leadership, but an acknowledgement of me serving others.

There is a peace, there is an realization that what the world counts as foolishness is wise in heavens eyes.

There is an acknowledgement that by these choices I am counting on the eternal, that in heaven the Lord who sees all, will truly see all, He will lay bear the intents of  my heart.

Oh Lord, may the eternal truly be something I live for, thank you for how it softens the blows and challenges of this world, because there is Someone who truly loves us and understands us.   

And until then, my purpose is simple, not easy, but simple.  Keep me focused on that.  I know my earthly tendency to focus on what is seen.  

Help me love.

When life hurts

I wake up..... the clock says 3:30.  I struggle with the frustration inside of me... why?  I have so much on my plate already, my life is full, I am a caretaker, people depend on me, why can't my body let me get the sleep I need.

And as I lay there, the thoughts start swirling in my head.  Those hurtful words, that person who was sure they were right, and perhaps they were, but the tone in which it was said, the harshness, lack of gentleness. 

The complete misunderstanding, the harsh judgements that were made without ever talking to me.  They laid right into me.  My heart still bleeds, but my wound is starting to heal.  There will always be a scar, but I know there are good things that come with scars

It has affected those deep parts of me.  I long to take the truth, internalize it, learn from the good, and then let go of the hurtful parts, but why is it that the hurt comes back so quickly?

I am in a room, my heart hurts, I am breaking....., people are laughing, they look successful, they don't realize, and I pray they never will, the heartache I have to go through..... having a child who you know will one day fly away into the arms of Jesus....  How can you prepare for that, there is no way. 

Loneliness, pain, misunderstanding, exhaustion, dashing of lifes dreams.

Lord...... why?

My child, my child, I love you.  You are my child.  I see things that you don't.  My will for you is that you become like a beautiful diamond, pure silver, refined gold.  None of these things can happen without the chiseling hammer, the refining fire.  

Lord, let me accept this.  I don't want it, but help me to accept the refining that You have in my life.... bring me to Your Word Lord.

My friend, I would never want pain in your life, but if there is pain, know I am praying for you, and praying that You would sense God's love, peace and purpose in it.

May we walk together, hold each other up.  Let me know how I can pray for you

We are all loved, we are all under amazing grace..... may that truth sustain us, and may we feel His amazing love for us.

Seasons

There are many new seasons in life, and we as a family are entering another one.  It is a good season, but it is scary and challenging.

My husband has been in part time ministry for 7 years.  We are very, very grateful for what the Lord has allowed us to be part of, but lately we are realizing that the Lord is moving us on, and perhaps at this time, not into another ministry, but into really being able to just have time to rest, be refreshed, and be nourished in our relationship with the Lord and others.

The other part of the season we are entering into is a different phase in our care for Josiah.  He recently received a g-tube as he wasn't able to eat without the help of it.  The constant care of him is challenging, and yet beautiful.  I have never in my life had to lay down myself so much.  Truly in the times when my ability to do the things that I desire (normal, simple things, like shower, do the dishes, clean the house etc) is reduced, I have realized how blessed I am to be able to serve my sweet little boy and my precious family.  I am grateful that the Lord has trusted me with this great responsibility.  I pray I can do my best for Him.  

Emotions can come, and being able to deal with those emotions, thoughts and feelings in a way that honors the Lord is a constant battle.  After all, isn't so much of our walk in this world a battle for our mind and our heart.  This is no different.

I am grateful, for I know the Lord has His hand upon us.  I can see Him working behind the scenes so powerfully, and I am so grateful.  Sometimes looking back I actually catch my breath and am amazed at His grace.

He has not promised us an easy life (I could tell stories that would definitely convince you of that), but to see His leading, is a precious, precious thing.  I have seen miracles and amazing "coincidences" that in no way could be a coincidence, showing how the Lord has His hand upon us in the hardest of times, and only allows so much refining in His fire without putting some grace there.  And the peace that He gives is truly not something I could drum up.  When I take my eyes off of Him, I am such a mess.

I have been feeling so blessed by how the Lord has been bringing His Word in just the right way and in the right time lately.

I was able to start a Bible Study in the book of I and II Peter, then Job next semester, as well as Ephesians and Colossians.  I have been absolutely longing to study the epistles and gospels, so what a blessing this is.


Just tonight in family devotions these precious verses stuck out and ministered so much to me.

Romans 8
³⁵ Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?  ³⁷ No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Isn't He so good.  He is so faithful.  Nothing can seperate us from the love of God.... nothing.  

Not even your failures my friend....., that is what the cross of Christ is about.  We are all sinners saved by grace.  We don't have to be perfect..... we can be accepted for who we truly are.  And it is only in that amazing perfect acceptance that we will bloom.  That truly the joy and the peace and the love will well up deep from within our hearts, slowly manifesting itself in our outward expression.  But it will never come until we truly believe from the bottom of hearts that we are loved, truly and deeply loved, and accepted, the worst parts of us known, and still loved and forgiven, and embraced.  

Friends will fail us.  Family can hurt us.  But there is a true anchor for our souls.  A love that is deep, unchanging.  Lord, help me to truly walk in this love.  Help me to truly understand it.  Help me to really believe it and yes, even feel it.  May I walk in the confidence of Your love for me, and may my friends be able to do so as well.   

To blog or not to blog?

I think the scary thing about blogging for me is that your whole life is out there on the internet for everyone to see it.  This can obviously be a good thing, but it can also be incredibly challenging, because you are truly laying yourself out there for people to see. 

I have been convicted lately that maybe I have been operating out of fear, and not really being willing to be open and vulnerable.  While it is much safer for me to stay in my little cocoon, maybe it is selfish.  And as I venture out I realize I also need to be wise and careful. 

But if anyone at all can benefit from the little I have to say and the things I go through then it is worth it.  Life is not all about me and protecting myself.

It is hard to share some of those things that you do not know how people will react to.  You are laying yourself on the line.   But we are all to die to ourselves daily and live for others.  How can I do less.

I am pretty sure this blog won't be entertaining, unless I am in a really silly mood, I know for sure there will be many who have much better things to say on the subjects that I write on.  And even my limited experiences while very real to myself will perhaps not be all the amazing.  But I need to share the little I can.  That is all the Lord asks. 

I'm pretty sure what will be one of the hardest blog posts for me to write is about the birth and diagnosis of my precious son who is special needs.  But I know the Lord has allowed this and I pray that I will choose to use this for His good and His kingdom.  I pray it will make my heart softer and more loving to others.  I pray it will be used for God's purposes.

And as far as pictures on my blog.... well, that will yet to be determined, depending my bravery or lack there of.  :) 

Maybe I will actually be able to do this.  I need to find that quote that inspired me......

Nancy Guthrie

Nancy Guthrie has strangely and unexpectedly become a very dear mentor.  I haven't met her, and I don't think she knows that I exist.  :)  But her story has blessed me so much, as I am walking through this journey that I never expected to walk through and I never wanted to walk through.  This is so powerful.  And I love how she has held steadfast to the Lord in all of this.  After all, He is the only one who can truly sustain us.  

Loving others, one on one.

I've had this little thought mulling in my mind now for some.  It comes on me when I am in big crowds, when I am in the middle of someone trying to build some big and important, it comes on me when I feel small and insignificant and overlooked.  Here is my thought, that I am still having a hard time putting into words.

We all need people to look us in eye, who are willing to spend ONE ON ONE time with us, and to show us we are loved.

You see the thing is, the world is big, and there are lots of people we know who are acquaintances.  Everyone is so busy, with so many things to do.  It is easier to make broad sweeping statements and connect with a lot of people than to sit down face to face over your favorite beverage, and really listen, and connect to a persons heart.    To allow their joys to become your joys, their hurts to become your hurts, to reach out and say, "I don't have the answers, but I know someone who does, and I can pray for you."  

I know I have done it so many times.  I am consumed, consumed with my work, my house, my husband, my kids, getting things done, making sure I look like I have it together.

When what most people want from me is to love them, not to impress them.  

And the honest truth is I have felt it from others.  I have not felt that I am person to be loved, but someone to impress, someone to wow with who they are.  But I realize that this stems from an insecurity, from them wanting to be loved themselves.
 

Dear Lord, please help me to get over myself.  Help me to walk in love and reach out to others and really hear and love them.  And please help them to forgive me when I fall short and fail them.  Lord, you said the greatest thing is love.  Help me to remember this and realize it isn't about my possessions or living the American dream, having a nice big house, nice car, looking good on the outside.  But it is love.  I fail constantly.  Please Father, change me and my heart.  I know I have limitations.  I am limited right now with 3 young children, and a special needs child.  Getting out of my house is difficult.  But when I have the chance, help me to love, and just enjoy the friendships you have blessed me with.

Help me to love others, not strive to impress.  One on one is never time wasted.  Help me as a mom to realize this as well, that my time is not wasted in investing in only a couple little hearts and hands, but it is precious, it is fruitful, it is meaningful and deep.

And I thank you for those people who have been willing to give of that most precious gift, themselves and their time, to reach out, listen and care.  Please bless them.