Disappointments= His Appointments= Love's Appointments

The Lord was so good to me today.  The last few days I have felt like I had reached that point of "I can't do this anymore."  "I just want to have a normal life."  "When am I going to have time to do the things that I want to do."  "I have too much to do, I can't do it all."  And various other pity party thoughts and comments aired to my longsuffering husband who is very overwhelmed himself.

And finally at the gentle prodding of my husband, I decided to invest some time in neglected devotions.  I often sit and read the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs from the One Year Bible with my children, but just time by myself with the Father is hard to get.  But my husband is wisely reminding me it is important.  And to be completely honest, what ministered to me was through a couple different devotional books, but both so profound, it took my breathe away with the kindness of my Father to speak something so clearly and lovingly to me in my time of greatest weakness and need.

The first was this poem from a book called "As Silver Refined, Learning to Embrace Life's Disappointments" by Kay Arthur.

Disappointment --
His Appointment

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
Change one letter, then I see
That the thwarting of my purpose
Is God's better choice for me.
His appointment must be blessing,
Tho' it may come in disguise,
For the end from the beginning
  Open to His wisdom lies.

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
Whose?  The Lord, who loves me best,
Understands and knows me fully,
Who my faith and love would test;
For, like loving earthly parent,
He rejoices when He knows
That His child accepts, UNQUESTIONED,
All that from His wisdom flows.

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
"No good thing will He withhold,"
From denials oft we gather
Treasures of His love untold,
Well He knows each broken purpose
Leads to fuller, deeper trust,
And the end of all His dealings
Proves our God is wise and just.

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
Lord, I take it, then, as such.
Like the clay in hands of potter,
Yielding wholly to Thy touch.
All my life's plan in Thy moulding,
Not one single choice be mine;
Let me answer, unrepining --
"Father, not my will, but Thine."

Edith Lillian Young

Job 23:14 For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me:
and many such things are with him.

And then the next thing He gave me was this from Feb 1st, "Streams in the Desert"

The disappointments of life are simply the hidden appointments of love.
--C.A. Fox

My child, I have a message for you today. Let me whisper it in your ear so any storm clouds that may arise will shine with glory, and the rough places you may have to walk will be made smooth. It is only four words, but let them sink into your inner being, and use them as a pillow to rest your weary head. "This is my doing."

Have you ever realized that whatever concerns you concerns Me too? "For whoever touches you touches the apple of [my] eye" (Zech. 2:8). "You are precious and honored in my sight" (Isa. 43:4). Therefore it is My special delight to teach you.

I want you to learn when temptations attack you, and the enemy comes in "like a pent up flood" (Isa. 59:19)., that "this is my doing" and that your weakness needs My strength, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you.

Are you in difficult circumstances, surrounded by people who do not understand you, never ask your opinion, and always push you aside? "This is my doing." I am the God of circumstances. You did not come to this place by accident -- you are exactly where I meant for you to be.

Have you not asked Me to make you humble? Then see that I have placed you in the perfect school where this lesson is taught. Your circumstances and the people around you are only being used to accomplish My will.

Are you having problems with money, finding it hard to make ends meet? "This is my doing," for I am the One who keeps your finances, and I want you to learn to depend upon Me. My supply is limitless and I "will meet your needs" (Phil. 4:19). I want you to prove My promises so no one may say, "You did not trust in the Lord your God" (Deut. 1:32).

Are you experiencing a time of sorrow? "This is my doing." I am "a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (Isa. 53:3). I have allowed your earthly comforters to fail you, so that by turning to Me you may receive "eternal encouragement and good hope" (2 Thess. 2:16). Have you longed to do some great work for Me but instead have been set aside on a bed of sickness and pain? "This is my doing." You were so busy I could not get your attention, and I wanted to teach you some of My deepest truths. "They also serve who only stand and wait." In fact, some of My greatest workers are those physically unable to serve, but who have learned to wield the powerful weapon of prayer.

Today I place a cup of holy oil in your hands. Use it freely, My child. Anoint with it every new circumstance, every word that hurts you, every interruption that makes you impatient, and every weakness you have. The pain will leave as you learn to see Me in all things.
--Laura A. Barter Snow

"This is from Me," the Savior said,
As bending low He kissed my brow,
"For One who loves you thus has led.
Just rest in Me, be patient now,
Your Father knows you have need of this,
Though, why perhaps you cannot see--
Grieve not for things you've seemed to miss.
The thing I send is best for thee."
Then, looking through my tears, I plead,

"Dear Lord, forgive, I did not know,

It will not be hard since You do tread,

Each path before me here below."
And for my good this thing must be,
His grace sufficient for each test.
So still I'll sing, "Whatever be
God's way for me is always best."

I am so thankful to the Lord for His gracious words to me today, for He knew I needed them, and He knew I needed enocuragement.  <3 p="">

Winter 2014-2015

My brain has been so jumbled lately, so very jumbled with life and all things medical and emotional, and physically challenging.

Winter is here and so that means the long days and nights of caring for little ones who are so prone to being sick at this time of year.  At least my little ones.  Thankfully the sickies have been mostly confined to one child Josiah.  But it has been consuming, exhausting and emotional.

Some of the things that we have been struggling with is bouts of allergies and asthma.   Every night for the last who knows how long (see, it is so jumbled in my brain), we have been waking with him between 2 and 5 when he stops breathing.  He starts gagging and retching, bubbling at the mouth, making terrifying sounds.  We called the ambulance multiple times after rounds of albuterol, pulmicort, , releasing the pressure in him stomach so he can "throw up".  I cannot count the number of times he has changed color.  It happened twice today even.

Somehow these episodes are also related to his feeding.  I don't know how.  After many tests at the hospital for reflux etc., our next guess is a sensory processing disorder, where the feeling of fullness causes anxiety, and this anxiety brings on a physical reaction like gagging, retching, leading eventually to not breathing well.

If this is true, it would be a blessing to not have a physical ailment to deal with, but it would require much wisdom on how to deal with his emotional reactions since he cannot speak to us using words, explaining how he is doing.

Than there is the guilt of having nursing help.  I realize I cannot feel guilty over it because I cannot do it all by myself and I need time for the other children, but sometimes he screams and screams with anyone but me.  And as a mom, that does truly break my heart.  Perhaps he is spoiled, but I know he has not had an easy life.  So many surgeries, not able to communicate his needs verbally, dislocated hips right now, not able to eat by mouth.  I just can't help it sometimes.  His joys are so simple and so connected to the love that the people in his life have for him that I feel that I need to give a little extra as he has had so many challenges.  Only the Lord knows the right balance and I'm pretty sure no matter how hard I try I will ever be able to get it right.  That is the time than I think that I have to trust the Lord that He knew all of this beforehand, and He allowed His disability, and He somehow knew the things that would come of it and thought it would all be worth it.

I think the hardest things is the emotional and physical exhaustion.  Just when one thing gets resolved, another thing comes up.  And we must do our best and keep persevering.  I think of the Scriptures as to how perseverance will have it's perfect work in us and I trust the Lord is doing something in my life.

There has been much to be thankful for as well during this season.  After being nearly frozen this winter and roasting last summer, we are so grateful for central heating and air.  What a treat for us.  There has also been the body of Christ who has loved us and nurtured us and shown unbelievable  Christ like love.  We are so grateful for the body of Christ.

We are grateful for the chance to learn to love.

The Lord is truly good.  I think of the verse, "Come to me all you are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

What a blessing that verse is, and how I want to grasp onto it, hold it, and have it sink so deeply into my heart that it changes me.  That it changes my irritability to gentleness and understanding.  That it lifts me up above the physical weariness to a strength of heart and mind that surpasses my physical strength.

Without the Lord, I could never do it.  I am grateful for Him, and the fact that he brings grace, meaning, hope and joy to my life.

Good morning dear Father, 

it is Christmas Eve.  We had our family Christmas last night.  It was a sweet time.  How I love our fireplace and the beauty of the lights, reminding us that You truly are the light of the world.

And what makes You the light of the world?  Among so many other things Father, the fact that You are Love.  Your Love shines into our hearts, giving us purpose, meaning, strength and the ability to go on.

We tried to read the Christmas story and advent readings.  And we did pretty well despite two little ones who fussed off and on.  We all juggled the babies and our Bibles in our laps, me desperately trying to soak in the beauty and meaning of these words.  

Isaiah 11:1-10

1 There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse, and a branch shall grow out of his roots.

2 And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.

3 And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD. He shall not judge by what his eyes see, or decide by what his ears hear;

4 but with righteousness he shall judge the poor, and decide with equity for the meek of the earth; and he shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, and with the breath of his lips he shall slay the wicked.

5 Righteousness shall be the girdle of his waist, and faithfulness the girdle of his loins.

6 The wolf shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, and the calf and the lion and the fatling together, and a little child shall lead them.

7 The cow and the bear shall feed; their young shall lie down together; and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.

8 The sucking child shall play over the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder's den.

9 They shall not hurt or destroy in all my holy mountain; for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the LORD as the waters cover the sea.

Selah.

As I think of this Christmas, it isn't like it was when I was a child, all about the lights, the music, the gifts, the food.  

There are deep, deep things going on in my heart this Christmas.  Just yesterday Father, I had another conversation and doctors appt for Josiah.  After all my effort to get a swallow study for Josiah, the swallow study still hasn't come through and the doctor can't approve for the lvns to feed Josiah by mouth.  The swallow has been done but it must be sent over from CHOC.  And even then Father, who knows if they will say it is outdated and I will have to do another?  Medical policies are so challenging sometimes Father.  Simple care and simple feeding of my child becomes so challenging.  And sometimes it is just so hard emotionally, and the tears flow.  

And then I see the sorrows of this world oh so clearly.  The sorrows of disabled children, abandoned, neglected because of their disabilities.  I see the sorrows of babies aborted.  The brutal killing of the littlest ones in our society.  One was aborted because he had a deformed left hand.  I see the values we all hold in our heart.  If there is not perfection, there is no value.  I think of the screams of those precious little ones, the unspeakable pain they must go through and my heart weeps.  And I think of the evil on the other side of the world, ISIS and the slavery of women and the beheadings and Jihad. And I wonder about the evil, and the lust for power and glory to the exclusion of love.   And sometimes Father, often, I look inside my own heart.  I see the desires I have to follow you to be a person after Your heart, and instead I see impatience, and anxiety, and anger and frustration as I walk through my daily struggles of having way too much to do, of longing for peace and quiet and having noise, confusion and chaos, of my longing for order and peace and constantly having the chaos of precious little people and needing to teach little ones how to love each other, get along, be responsible etc., etc., etc. 

But Lord Jesus, what is the hope of this world.  

How thankful I am Father, that the hope of this world is not in me.  That the hope of this world in not in medical systems, although medical help is a wonderful thing.  That the hope of this world is not in government system, although I do believe that justice is worth fighting for.  

But our ultimate hope Father is in You, and Your precious gift of a relationship with You,  and in the changed hearts You give us when we walk beside You, longing to see the world as You do.   And Father, we are so, so thankful that there is ultimate hope.  When we die we can have the hope of seeing Jesus face to face.  What a beautiful time that will be.  All the sorrows of this world will fade away.  

Until then, we are thankful Jesus, that You are indeed, the light of the world.  You are the light of the world, in the darkest night.  As we come to the darkest time of the year physically, and as we light up a miliion different small lights, we can know that in the great darkness of the world, that You Jesus, are the light held up to the world.  You are the answer, the peace, the joy, and the love.

John 3:17-21

17 For God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.

19 And this is the judgment, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.

20 For every one who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed.

21 But he who does what is true comes to the light, that it may be clearly seen that his deeds have been wrought in God.

II Cor. 4:6 

6 For it is the God who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

Psalm 119:105

105 Thy word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.

John 1:1-5

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

2 He was in the beginning with God;

3 all things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made.

4 In him was life, and the life was the light of men.

5 The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Another ER visit and more to think and work through

So yesterday.......  Ah, yes, yesterday.  We got home at 12:15 actually THIS morning I guess.  The whole family.  Sweet little Josiah helped the family to bond in the ER again.

It all kind of started on Sunday, but more specifically last week.

Josiah is on Pediaure for his daily food intake and he has been for over a year.  Once we got through the trauma of his gtube and fundoplication surgeries, as well as his hip abduction surgeries, I was able to start thinking through smaller everyday things.  So, naturally as a granola geeky mom who has always loved nutrition, I start looking at his diet.

Now before I give Pediasure negative press I need to say this.  It has been working.  Josiah is growing.  It can be in his food bag without me worrying about it going bad over 24 hours.  But I am struggling with giving him just Pediasure for growth.  Here is why.  Take a look at these ingredients and see if there is anything that concerns you.  (My first though honestly was that if the second ingredient is sugar does that raise blood sugar levels too high.?....., I start thinking diabetes.... , I start dreaming of healthier carb choices.)

 ingredients:

WATER, SUGAR (SUCROSE), CORN MALTODEXTRIN, MILK PROTEIN CONCENTRATE, HIGH OLEIC SAFFLOWER OIL, SOY OIL, COCOA POWDER (PROCESSED WITH ALKALI), SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE, MEDIUM-CHAIN TRIGLYCERIDES; LESS THAN 0.5% OF: SHORT-CHAIN FRUCTOOLIGOSACCHARIDES, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, MAGNESIUM PHOSPHATE, CELLULOSE GEL, CALCIUM PHOSPHATE, CALCIUM CARBONATE, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, POTASSIUM PHOSPHATE, POTASSIUM CITRATE, SALT (SODIUM CHLORIDE), CHOLINE CHLORIDE, SOY LECITHIN, MONOGLYCERIDES, C. COHNII OIL, ASCORBIC ACID, CELLULOSE GUM, CARRAGEENAN, m-INOSITOL, TURMERIC, POTASSIUM HYDROXIDE, TAURINE, FERROUS SULFATE, dl-ALPHA-TOCOPHERYL ACETATE, L-CARNITINE, ZINC SULFATE, CALCIUM PANTOTHENATE, NIACINAMIDE, FD&C RED#3, MANGANESE SULFATE, THIAMINE CHLORIDE HYDROCHLORIDE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE, RIBOFLAVIN, CUPRIC SULFATE, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, FOLIC ACID, CHROMIUM CHLORIDE, BIOTIN, SODIUM SELENATE, SODIUM MOLYBDATE, POTASSIUM IODIDE, PHYLLOQUINONE, CYANOCOBALAMIN, AND VITAMIN D3.

CONTAINS SOY AND MILK INGREDIENTS.

 These ingredients are...., well...., not what I would feed my other children.  (Ummmm., ever!!)  But you know what.  I need Josiah to grow.  The doctors need to know Josiah is going to grow and this is easy and simple for them.  They know that PediaSure is clinically proven.  It is scientifically proven.  

But I still requested to see a dietician...., I am grateful they obliged.  We worked out a very loose plan.....

Over the weeks I have a really hard time getting it started.  It is so easy to just put food in a bag and on continuous feed.  Giving him real food means I can't leave it out for 12-24 hours which means that there are food safety issues.  

And food in large amounts seems to make him gag and choke.   Sometimes this gagging and choking is very mild and find and he can get himself out of it.  Sometimes like yesterday it crosses the line into dangerous.  Very dangerous.  

It was at the point where they think they put him into seizures.  Sunday they were very mild and there were only 1-2.  Yesterday there were 10-12 in one day to where he stopped breathing and choked on his own saliva and changed colors for 30-60 seconds.  My neighbor saw it and was as terrified as I was.

Off to the ER we went.... my sweet neighbor driving so I could sit in the back if Josiah had another seizure and had a hard time breathing again.

After being for 7 hours their basic thoughts were that these were seizure episodes and he had mild dehydration.  So he was put on a basic rehydration formula.  And they want to up his seizure meds slightly (which always makes it so hard.... upping any med is really hard on me), and put him back on Pediasure until we can see the GastroIntestinal doctor in a week (which coincidentally happens to be Elijahs's birthday, poor little guy).

It will be simpler, but I still don't like the ingredients in what I give him daily.  But we need to see if we can get him to a normal baseline again and than maybe they will let me try and tweak things again?

But maybe they will be too nervous to do that. And I completely understand. And than I will get frustrated and nervous.

So I am praying that the doctor and I can work together really well.  And that I can understand their concerns.  And that they can understand mine.  And if mind changes and understanding needs to happen that that can happen smoothly and peacefully.

And that sweet Josiah can thrive.  And that my family can thrive under all the pressure they are under now.  And that we would all love one another.  Because really, that is the most important thing right?  And it has been shown that it is one of the best medicines.  

So, these are my struggles.  And these are poor Josiahs struggles.  

And I'd appreciate prayer.

I have more research to do.  I need to see if he has food allergies or sensitivies because he did ok with certain foods for quite a while.  I need to see if feeding him meal like amounts causes problems.  I tried some supplements to try to give him better nutrition and I need to see if those caused problems.  One did say use with caution if there is a history of epilepsy.  

So, I need to do research.  Along with all the other caregiving responsibilities.  And taking care of my sweet other children.  And my hardworking  husband who this puts stress on.  And trying to move.  And being pregnant.  And going to doctors appointments for OTHER things.  And getting Elijah through oral surgery this Thursday.  

Oh my.  

I'd appreciate any and all prayers.  

But I know all of you have things going on in your life as well.  Please feel free to leave any prayer requests and I will try and pray as I am able.  

God bless anyone who actually takes the time to read this.  And have a really good day.

Grateful

I'm pretty grateful right now for a husband who is coming home and tag teaming with me.  It has been a pretty long afternoon, and I was emotionally close to the end. He is taking over talking to the little one about listening and asking questions before doing a project that can cause messes, helping encourage in their chores that I didn't have the emotional strength to enforce etc.  I was talking to the pulmonologist and it was discouraging as she says that Josiah has chronic bronchitis. It can be discouraging. I will enjoy this moment. I am grateful for my cup of tea, my chair and a window to look up to the sky.

Biblical Love, I Cor. 13, Love is Patient

Why study Biblical love?

Here is the answer, from the Bible.

The greatest commandment is this, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."  And the second is like it.  "Love your neighbor as yourself."

On these two hinge all the laws and the prophets.

"Now these three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love."  I Cor. 13

So obviously, I do not write these posts because I have it all together.  And I do not write this post because I am a perfectly patient person.  To say so would be an outright lie.  Rather, I post this as a fellow learner, a fellow traveler, one who needs this Word in my life desperately, for I know the reality of my humanity and the need for Christ and His Word in my life.  

And so, onwards.  Let's look at

"Love is Patient."

Definition of Patience:

Noun The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

I think I am ready to stop right there.  How about you?  Seriously.  Accept trouble or suffering without getting angry or upset?????? I'm toast.  How many times a day do I become impatient.   So before we go on, let's think about something REALLY important.   Learning about this definition of love is important.  This is GOD's standard.  And I really care about God's standard, because He is the One I want to live for. But pretty much, I know I am going to fail, so rather than let that discourage me, it needs to make me run to God's grace and mercy.  And He is wonderfully gracious and merciful.  And it is His kindness that will lead us to repentance.  When we fail we can run to Him, hide our faces in his shirt so to speak, be assured of His wonderful love for us, and than we can continue on.   So, I have run into God's grace and mercy realizing I will never be able to do this perfectly.  And I am ready to keep going.  How about you?  Please run to Him first before you continue, realizing how much he loves you and accepts you.  He is not shocked.  He knows everything.  But he is glad you want to be more loving, that pleases  Him.   So Lord Jesus, because our finite efforts no matter how small and imperfect please you, we continue on.   St. Augustine said, "Patience is the companion of wisdom."   In order to be patient with others, look for others' needs.  Let them ahead of you, and let their needs come first.  Phil. 2 says "Look out not only for your own interests but all the interest of others."  Patience is not thinking so much about our own needs and rights.  It is being kind to others, being in self control for everyone's benefit.   Patience can stem from empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.  Empathy is something that I definitely want to learn.

My "small" goals

-Learn to be a good listener with my kids and my husband and my friends in my small groups.  This means getting off the electric device and really listening with my kids and hubby.  This means not thinking through what I am going to say next but really entering into what they are saying.  

- Speak gently and not harshly

-Bear with the weaknesses and failings of others with more grace.  

Well, I already feel a little overwhelmed writing these goals out and I am embarrassed writing them out in front of you because I know that while these are truly the desire of my heart I will fail.  But friend, let's keep each other accountable anyway, not shocked and disgusted when we fail, but giving each other grace and mercy and the time and freedom to learn and continue on by God's grace.  And let's ask the Lord to change our heart and keep our heart sensitive to obey His Holy Spirit.  

Time to remind myself why I am studying this again.  

The greatest commandment is this, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."  And the second is like it.  "Love your neighbor as yourself."

On these two hinge all the laws and the prophets.

"Now these three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love."  I Cor. 13

When little ones show you the reality of who you are

The little ones are fighting..... again.  I am outside on the swing and happily reading when I see one of them wiping their eyes, saying it hurts.  Bubbles have flown into their eyes, they have been teased.  Just like yesterday they were  teased.  We try and figure out what happen, "I didn't do it."  "It was an accident".  Another adult saw it.  It wasn't an accident.  There was teasing, provoking.

I get frustrated.  "You must be kind!!!"  And when I am supposed to be in control and the adult, I have to tell myself, to stop, not be angry, and not respond in anger and frustration.

These little ones, how they show me my sin.

I am sorry little ones for the fact that I am not a perfect mama, that I still deal with my frustration and anger too.  We both need a Savior, we both need the Prince of Peace, the Spirit working in and changing our hearts.

If I ever really mess up, please come tell me.  I want to change.  I want to be open to correction from you, while realizing the amazing responsibility of having to correct and train you.

How do I do this?  How do I correct you when I see my own sin so much?  We both need grace.  We both need correction.  We both need love and understanding.

I still need to correct you.  Being unkind and lying is not ok.  It needs to be addressed.  But my own sinful tendency towards overreacting in frustration is not ok either.

We are both pilgrims on this journey.  Someday we will both stand before our Savior, and He will judge us, not on our works but on our hearts towards Him, our softness to His correction, how we learned to love others.

And so I pray for both of us that we will somehow walk in the amazing grace of the gospel, forgetting what is behind, pressing on towards the goal, loving and cherishing, for love is the greatest commandment.

I really do love you my little ones.  Pray for me as I learn to be the mama He has called me to be.