Time to experience some of the emotions of being a special needs family.
They are not all bad, but they are there.
Like the times when you listen to those whose main concern in life is to look smart, intelligent, and be admired for those things. And you remember the days that that meant to so much to you, and you realize with a deep understanding, that some of the most precious, beautiful, deeply profound moments have been brought to you by one that the world would not consider smart or intelligent. And yet, this little one has taught you much more than those brilliant, smart people ever will. Perhaps they touched your mind, but this one has touched your heart and your spirit.
The times you feel sadness when people do not choose to see the beauty in your special needs child. Who choose to look away in ignorance or fear that something "bad" like your child may happen to them. Those are the times you must choose to overlook the pain in your heart and forgive, realizing that they have just given up seeing all that is beautiful and precious. You must remember the times that you did this yourself to others before you had a special needs child yourself. And you must forgive yourself and be grateful you were given a second chance to love in such a special way
The times when you stand in a room, and you don't know how to make small talk any more. You are used to speaking of deep things, things that talk of life and death. Things that talk of love, cherishing the moment, making every moment count, grieving the sorrow and suffering, hoping for the beautiful time and place where there will be no more of that and yet dreading it with all your heart.
The time when you don't know the right questions to ask anymore. You look at someone who is in despair over a cold that will be gone in a week, who says that they are suffering and you are silenced. The point when you are not angry or thankfully the concept of it not being fair has not crossed your mind, but you are confused, not sure how to respond, not sure how to empathize, not sure how to feel the same sorrow over something that in your mind would be a blessed relief to deal with, rather than surgery, the right pain med, how to prevent seizures, etc.
The time you realize you are different and changed on the inside compared to who you used to be. The exhaustion, the challenges have changed you. And you are somehow grateful for it. Grateful for the privilege of caring for these little ones.Then there are times you realize and grieve for yourself. You realize that your body deals with more stress than any normal person. You realize that if you do not take care of yourself you will die younger, you will age quicker. You don't know who to share with. No one understands your fears and your joys, your griefs. And than you are grateful for the everlasting Father of this universe who cups you in His Hands and who truly understands and who is always there.
You grieve for your other children. You grieve that they will not have a normal childhood. That they don't get as much attention or they have to deal with a mom who is more tired But you are grateful that they will have a depth of compassion others will not You pray it changes them for good.
You grieve for your husband. He has a wife who is tired, who needs more help, who is not as young and vibrant as she used to be. And you are grateful for faithful, compassionate supportive husbands.
No, I am different. I always will be. This will have changed me forever. It will have changed my family forever. But I have the choice of how to respond as always. I have the choice to fight and be bitter, or to trust the Lord and let this change be for the better.
Right now, in the middle of my exhaustion and my emotion, I am choosing, choosing to trust. Choosing to believe that beauty truly comes from ashes, that the Lord can cause all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. I have seen glimpses of it. I have seen glimpses of the good that He is doing in the midst of the everyday. I am grateful. And when fear grips me, or there are times I do not want to trust, I will surrender it all to His hands. He will allow me to fall apart, He will allow those emotions to be there, He will listen, and then He will be there as he strengthens me to get up and get going again. He will be my anchor, the lifter of my head.
