Sunday Afternoon Tea (and Coffee)

As I thought through what has ministered to my heart this week, it just seems like there are so many fragmented things that it is hard to put it into one cohesive posts.  But I guess that is the beauty of how the Lord speaks to us, a little here, a little there.

I will probalby not be as organized as my friend, since I have a special needs child and a 1 year old, and of course a 9 and 7 year old as well, although they are pretty helpful overall, even though they do need mothering.

But I will say that the thing that has touched my heart the most recetly has been the topic of obedience.  And this is not because I am an incredibly obedient person right now, but probably because I need to reign my heart back in from it's careless, strong willed ways.

I have been told I am a strong, determined woman, and I have been told I am sweet and soft. I don't really know which I am, but I find it amusing.  I know the Lord has given me strength I didn't think I had through this special needs journey.  But I think it has also made me stronger, being a special needs mom.  And it has made me more dependent on Christ.

But sometimes, in my need to "fight" as a special needs mom (a sad, but true statement, as we fight for our childrens needs to be met), I forget that I need to surrender, especially to the Lords claims in my life.

You see long ago, I told the Lord that my life was no longer my own, that it was His to direct as He wanted.  And I really did mean it, in as much as I could understand at that time.  And the Lord has graciously and lovingly given me challenges to overcome which have made me strong.  Yet in my strength, I must remember that I must have any strength submitted to the Lordship of Christ in my life.

To be completely honest, my challenges in obedience now are in obeying the Lord in being gentle and loving and patient.  These are my desires, but sometimes the stresses of life cause frustration and irritability to be present.  Trusting the Lord and not being anxious is also something that I have to work on with obedience.

Sometimes my lack of obedience or even my inability to obey and be who the Lord wants me to be, causes me great sorrow.  For example, when my lack of gentleness and understanding hurts a person, especially someone who I want to point to Christ, this makes me sad.  And sometimes in my "battling the challenges of life" I can lack sensitivity and understanding and hurt people, and this hurts my heart.

Some of my friends feel that I am being legalistic and focusing on obedience and I can understand that.  But I feel that there is a Scriptural balance.  And maybe those friends of mine are better at obeying.  I am pretty sure that they are.  I tend to struggle with straying and being strong minded and strong willed and so this needs to be something that I keep before me.

I guess I should have mentioned this earlier, but what caused me to think about obedience.  It was when I was in John chapter 14.  I really wanted to meditate on John 14-17 for awhile, and it has been good for me to think on.  What got me started thinking about this was this passage.

John 14

15 “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper,[f] to be with you forever, 17 even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be[g] in you.

18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. 21 Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.”

Anyways, I have been trying to really think about how I can be obedient.  And realize and confess when I haven't been obedient.  I realize that this is a life long process. Sally Clarkson over at Itakejoy.com talks about "The Long Obedience", or how obedience is a lifelong choice of choosing to follow down God's paths rather than ours.  And while we may make mistakes along the way that as long as we are choosing to point ourselves in God's direction we are "walking in obedience".  Her thoughts on the subject are very comforting.

I do realize that perhaps one way I can humbly say I've tried to walk in obedience is through keeping and loving my special needs son.  But with God's commands, there come blessings, even if they are sometimes laced with hardship.  Having a special needs child has been one of the things that I see the Lord using in my life the most.  It hasn't been easy, but it has been good.  And going through the hard times has grown me more than just about anything.

To make this more personal and to ask all of you your opinions, how do we walk in obedience in this day and age when obedience is not cherished or prized, sometimes even among Christians.  How do we walk in love and gentleness while still dealing with truth and justice?  What do we do if our speaking of truth or calling sin sin gets us labeled?  Also what do we do when we hurt or offend others without meaning to?   These are all hard questions I am thinking of.

But one thing I do know.  The one who I want to live for is God.  And I want His approval to be what matters most.  I pray that I can obey, not because my salvation depends on it, but because God says it is a way to show my love for Him.  And I want to love Him dearly.  I'd love to hear any thoughts.

Blessings, Charissa

What the world needs....

 I've been struggling with myself lately and this world.  Struggling with feeling frustrated and overwhelmed by some of the sorrows, getting too caught up in the news, things I can't change.  Struggling with my own weakness and imperfections.  Struggling with the darkness of the world.

And I realize...., what the world needs, like it always has, is Jesus.

My husband read me an amazing story.  The early church was being persecuted but it persisted and it started to explode. It was burgeoning at the seams, the Roman empire couldn't keep it in check despite the persecution it faced.  People were coming to faith everywhere.  Finally, under Constantine it became a "Christian" empire.  And then, for some reason the church decided that individuals needed to stop sharing their faith.  Maybe they weren't doing it right, maybe they didn't know enough, they hadn't been formally trained etc.  And so sharing of the faith was given to the leaders of the church.

Passion died, the church struggled even though there was little to no persecution.  Growth and explosion stopped.

My friends, I am speaking from my heart.  This world is dark.  We are all weak.  I am so, so weak.  But the hope we have for this world and ultimately the next is Jesus.

I'm grateful for this.  It is out of my hands.  I cannot change things.  But when Jesus truly enters a persons heart, He can change them.

I need Jesus to change my heart.  And I need to realize that He is the hope of every single individual on this earth.

Come quickly Lord Jesus, change our hearts, change this hurting world.  We are grateful that one day by Your grace and mercy alone we will see Your actual face when we leave this sorrowful earthly body and home.

I need Jesus deep in my soul.  I need Him to change everything.  And I need to share Him and His hope to a lost, hurting world.  My friend, I pray you will too.<3 nbsp="">

Updates and good things

Good morning friends,

I'm sorry I haven't updated this for awhile.  I was a bit emotionally worn from the hospital stay.

I think last time I updated Josiah was in the hospital and we had taken him OFF Topamax but hadn't figured out a new med for him.  Well, we did figure out two new meds, and I am very happy.

We started him on Phenobarbital, just the regular run of the mill, used forever seizure medicine, and I am really happy with it.  I like the tried and true myself.  :)  He hasn't had a serious seizure since he started.  Sometimes he will start into one, but it never goes into a grand mal and he is able to get out of it.  We also started him on Valium.  It relaxes him and helps him with his anxiety and irritability.  It also relaxes smooth muscle.  A wonderful thing is that he has stopped his gagging and we can now get more food into.  I don't know if it was getting off of Topamax (which irritates the Gastrointestinal system), or the Valium (which relaxes smooth muscle), or a combination of both, but this is wonderful news indeed!! Along with his high cbd, low thc medical cannabis we are in a good place.  I am so, so grateful.

This is what I have been waiting for for three years.  I actually feel like I can breathe just a little now, where as before I didn't feel that way.  I was always on alert and high stress, and the pressure was almost unbearable at times.

We are still not completely out of the woods, but we are doing so much better in terms of seizures and feeding, and I am so grateful for the Lords guiding hand.

Another piece of information on Josiahs side is that we decided to go ahead with his hip dysplagia surgery.  Even though I do not like the idea of this surgery and thinking about the details can make me feel queazy, I am hoping in the long run the benefits will be worth it.  Right now he can't sit in his carseat or wheelchair without screaming in pain.  To say that this affects his life would probably be obvious, since he is either laying on the floor or couch or being held all day.  As he gets bigger carrying him around all the time will become more and more unsustainable and so something does need to be done.  They will be doing crazy things like cutting bone, putting in plates and pins etc., but he is in pain already and if it can relieve some of the pain and help him sit in his wheelchair and car seat that will be huge.  So right now the surgery is scheduled for the middle of September.  He will have his oh so glorious spica cast from his upper abdomen to his ankles for six weeks and then we will start rehabilitation.

I've realized recently that I've talked way too much about Josiah and not enough about anything else.  I am sorry for this.  It has been such a crisis that I think have responded rather than being completely reasonable.  I have been praying for awhile that the Lord would make things sustainable and that wouldn't always be having to deal with emergencies and crisis and we could find a pace that works for the whole family.  We aren't completely there yet, (after all we do have a big surgery and recovery coming up, and teaching Josiah to adjust to his wheelchair), but we are so much better than we were.  Just having Josiah less irritable and more comfortable is HUGE, as that has always been a  huge prayer of mine.  I'm so grateful for the Lords good hand in this.

So anyways, I will try and be a little more balanced in the future.  I am starting to feel like I can breathe again, and the constant anxiety and adrenalin rush from constant emergencies is subsiding slightly although not completely.

I better get back to my day.  The kids are up.  I've started Josiahs feeding, given him some of his meds, and need to make oatmeal for the rest of my littles.

Have a blessed day, Charissa

P.S.  I forgot to mention for those who were kind enough to give me references for chiropractors, that we did see a chiropractor for Josiah and he said that unfortunately he cannot help him, and that Josiah needs surgery.  A big thank you to every who tried to help me think that through though.  I feel like we definitely tried and now have a clear answer.  <3 p="">

Josiahs Hospital Stay June 2015

Our newest update on Josiah is that he was admitted to the hospital on Fathers Day.  He had been struggling already for awhile and then on Fathers Day he had 12 grand mal seizures.  We called the on call neurologist and he got us straight into the ER.  We were at my parents in Victorville and couldn't call an ambulance without an enormous bill or having to go to another hospital so we drove down the hill to Loma Linda praying all the way.

I ran from the parking structure across the street into the ER carrying Josiah as he was seizing.  It was uphill and a ways and I was so out of breath.  Im not as strong as I used to be.   If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.

He was seizing pretty badly.  They were ready to give him a shot of Ativan.  In front of a bunch of nurses and doctors in the ER give the cannabis oil and they saw how it stopped it in its tracks.  Unfortunately the seizures kept coming back, but they saw how effective it could be and were completely supportive.  He was loaded with phenobarbitol and we started him on topamax again.  Yesterday, he was either asleep or awake and seizing.  After seeing his reaction to the topamax I requested that we take it off as he was completely miserable on it.  I think he was hallucinating, he was gagging, and sweating, he stopped communicating with me, his eyes were twitching back and forth and he was planking and very, very irritable and miserable.  So, yay!!  Off of Topamax.

We are going to try Valium next.  They gave him his first dose today.  I'm praying that this will help him.  He is fairly stable, but he has been sleeping so much.  I don't know how sustainable this is.

My main goals for him during this hospital stay are becoming comfortable and staying as seizure free as possible, as well as finding maintanance medication that works.  We are continuing the medical cannabis in the hospital with the doctor s approval and monitoring.  It is definitely helping him with his comfort level.  I think it is helping with his seizing too, but we may need a combination of pharmaceuticals and cannabis at this point.

Tomorrow morning we will talk with the doctor and see how he did on it for almost 24 hours.  If he did well, we can come home, if not than we will be staying at the hospital to see if we can find something that works.

We'd appreciate any prayers.  I'm pretty tired (but than when am I not?  :)) Also, for the kids as they will be only having one parent at home as Dave and I switch off and on staying with Josiah at the hospital.  The kids aren't really allowed in the hospital.  My parents are helping out a lot as well.

The Lord is good.

One thing I think about often since we have moved to this house and are right at the foothill of the mountains is this verse,

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains.  Where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth."

Here are a few pictures just because.

Thanks for any prayers.  Love, Rissy

Medical Cannabis and Epilepsy

Medical Cannabis has really helped Josiahs epilepsy.  He still has a few seizure here and there but they are not like they were and they are easily controlled now.

Here is a powerful video that convinced me to try medical cannabis for Josiahs seizures.  I'm really glad I came across it.  Cannabis has probably saved his life.

Multiple Sclerosis, Cerebral Palsy and Medical Cannabis

I'm looking up information for Josiah.  He has very bad muscle spasticity and it causes him a lot of pain.  I am trying so hard to get him out of pain.

I'm attaching some videos that provide information on using cannabis for spasticity.  We have noticed a huge benefit for him.

These videos are really helpful for me.  I really love them.  I'm still looking for information on dosing and strians though.  Starting to get little hints here and there.

A very powerful video on medical cannabis and cerebral palsy

These other two are very powerful as well.

Disappointments= His Appointments= Love's Appointments

The Lord was so good to me today.  The last few days I have felt like I had reached that point of "I can't do this anymore."  "I just want to have a normal life."  "When am I going to have time to do the things that I want to do."  "I have too much to do, I can't do it all."  And various other pity party thoughts and comments aired to my longsuffering husband who is very overwhelmed himself.

And finally at the gentle prodding of my husband, I decided to invest some time in neglected devotions.  I often sit and read the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs from the One Year Bible with my children, but just time by myself with the Father is hard to get.  But my husband is wisely reminding me it is important.  And to be completely honest, what ministered to me was through a couple different devotional books, but both so profound, it took my breathe away with the kindness of my Father to speak something so clearly and lovingly to me in my time of greatest weakness and need.

The first was this poem from a book called "As Silver Refined, Learning to Embrace Life's Disappointments" by Kay Arthur.

Disappointment --
His Appointment

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
Change one letter, then I see
That the thwarting of my purpose
Is God's better choice for me.
His appointment must be blessing,
Tho' it may come in disguise,
For the end from the beginning
  Open to His wisdom lies.

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
Whose?  The Lord, who loves me best,
Understands and knows me fully,
Who my faith and love would test;
For, like loving earthly parent,
He rejoices when He knows
That His child accepts, UNQUESTIONED,
All that from His wisdom flows.

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
"No good thing will He withhold,"
From denials oft we gather
Treasures of His love untold,
Well He knows each broken purpose
Leads to fuller, deeper trust,
And the end of all His dealings
Proves our God is wise and just.

"Disappointment -- His Appointment"
Lord, I take it, then, as such.
Like the clay in hands of potter,
Yielding wholly to Thy touch.
All my life's plan in Thy moulding,
Not one single choice be mine;
Let me answer, unrepining --
"Father, not my will, but Thine."

Edith Lillian Young

Job 23:14 For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me:
and many such things are with him.

And then the next thing He gave me was this from Feb 1st, "Streams in the Desert"

The disappointments of life are simply the hidden appointments of love.
--C.A. Fox

My child, I have a message for you today. Let me whisper it in your ear so any storm clouds that may arise will shine with glory, and the rough places you may have to walk will be made smooth. It is only four words, but let them sink into your inner being, and use them as a pillow to rest your weary head. "This is my doing."

Have you ever realized that whatever concerns you concerns Me too? "For whoever touches you touches the apple of [my] eye" (Zech. 2:8). "You are precious and honored in my sight" (Isa. 43:4). Therefore it is My special delight to teach you.

I want you to learn when temptations attack you, and the enemy comes in "like a pent up flood" (Isa. 59:19)., that "this is my doing" and that your weakness needs My strength, and your safety lies in letting Me fight for you.

Are you in difficult circumstances, surrounded by people who do not understand you, never ask your opinion, and always push you aside? "This is my doing." I am the God of circumstances. You did not come to this place by accident -- you are exactly where I meant for you to be.

Have you not asked Me to make you humble? Then see that I have placed you in the perfect school where this lesson is taught. Your circumstances and the people around you are only being used to accomplish My will.

Are you having problems with money, finding it hard to make ends meet? "This is my doing," for I am the One who keeps your finances, and I want you to learn to depend upon Me. My supply is limitless and I "will meet your needs" (Phil. 4:19). I want you to prove My promises so no one may say, "You did not trust in the Lord your God" (Deut. 1:32).

Are you experiencing a time of sorrow? "This is my doing." I am "a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" (Isa. 53:3). I have allowed your earthly comforters to fail you, so that by turning to Me you may receive "eternal encouragement and good hope" (2 Thess. 2:16). Have you longed to do some great work for Me but instead have been set aside on a bed of sickness and pain? "This is my doing." You were so busy I could not get your attention, and I wanted to teach you some of My deepest truths. "They also serve who only stand and wait." In fact, some of My greatest workers are those physically unable to serve, but who have learned to wield the powerful weapon of prayer.

Today I place a cup of holy oil in your hands. Use it freely, My child. Anoint with it every new circumstance, every word that hurts you, every interruption that makes you impatient, and every weakness you have. The pain will leave as you learn to see Me in all things.
--Laura A. Barter Snow

"This is from Me," the Savior said,
As bending low He kissed my brow,
"For One who loves you thus has led.
Just rest in Me, be patient now,
Your Father knows you have need of this,
Though, why perhaps you cannot see--
Grieve not for things you've seemed to miss.
The thing I send is best for thee."
Then, looking through my tears, I plead,

"Dear Lord, forgive, I did not know,

It will not be hard since You do tread,

Each path before me here below."
And for my good this thing must be,
His grace sufficient for each test.
So still I'll sing, "Whatever be
God's way for me is always best."

I am so thankful to the Lord for His gracious words to me today, for He knew I needed them, and He knew I needed enocuragement.  <3 p="">

Winter 2014-2015

My brain has been so jumbled lately, so very jumbled with life and all things medical and emotional, and physically challenging.

Winter is here and so that means the long days and nights of caring for little ones who are so prone to being sick at this time of year.  At least my little ones.  Thankfully the sickies have been mostly confined to one child Josiah.  But it has been consuming, exhausting and emotional.

Some of the things that we have been struggling with is bouts of allergies and asthma.   Every night for the last who knows how long (see, it is so jumbled in my brain), we have been waking with him between 2 and 5 when he stops breathing.  He starts gagging and retching, bubbling at the mouth, making terrifying sounds.  We called the ambulance multiple times after rounds of albuterol, pulmicort, , releasing the pressure in him stomach so he can "throw up".  I cannot count the number of times he has changed color.  It happened twice today even.

Somehow these episodes are also related to his feeding.  I don't know how.  After many tests at the hospital for reflux etc., our next guess is a sensory processing disorder, where the feeling of fullness causes anxiety, and this anxiety brings on a physical reaction like gagging, retching, leading eventually to not breathing well.

If this is true, it would be a blessing to not have a physical ailment to deal with, but it would require much wisdom on how to deal with his emotional reactions since he cannot speak to us using words, explaining how he is doing.

Than there is the guilt of having nursing help.  I realize I cannot feel guilty over it because I cannot do it all by myself and I need time for the other children, but sometimes he screams and screams with anyone but me.  And as a mom, that does truly break my heart.  Perhaps he is spoiled, but I know he has not had an easy life.  So many surgeries, not able to communicate his needs verbally, dislocated hips right now, not able to eat by mouth.  I just can't help it sometimes.  His joys are so simple and so connected to the love that the people in his life have for him that I feel that I need to give a little extra as he has had so many challenges.  Only the Lord knows the right balance and I'm pretty sure no matter how hard I try I will ever be able to get it right.  That is the time than I think that I have to trust the Lord that He knew all of this beforehand, and He allowed His disability, and He somehow knew the things that would come of it and thought it would all be worth it.

I think the hardest things is the emotional and physical exhaustion.  Just when one thing gets resolved, another thing comes up.  And we must do our best and keep persevering.  I think of the Scriptures as to how perseverance will have it's perfect work in us and I trust the Lord is doing something in my life.

There has been much to be thankful for as well during this season.  After being nearly frozen this winter and roasting last summer, we are so grateful for central heating and air.  What a treat for us.  There has also been the body of Christ who has loved us and nurtured us and shown unbelievable  Christ like love.  We are so grateful for the body of Christ.

We are grateful for the chance to learn to love.

The Lord is truly good.  I think of the verse, "Come to me all you are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  Matthew 11:28-30

What a blessing that verse is, and how I want to grasp onto it, hold it, and have it sink so deeply into my heart that it changes me.  That it changes my irritability to gentleness and understanding.  That it lifts me up above the physical weariness to a strength of heart and mind that surpasses my physical strength.

Without the Lord, I could never do it.  I am grateful for Him, and the fact that he brings grace, meaning, hope and joy to my life.