My brain has been so jumbled lately, so very jumbled with life and all things medical and emotional, and physically challenging.
Winter is here and so that means the long days and nights of caring for little ones who are so prone to being sick at this time of year. At least my little ones. Thankfully the sickies have been mostly confined to one child Josiah. But it has been consuming, exhausting and emotional.
Some of the things that we have been struggling with is bouts of allergies and asthma. Every night for the last who knows how long (see, it is so jumbled in my brain), we have been waking with him between 2 and 5 when he stops breathing. He starts gagging and retching, bubbling at the mouth, making terrifying sounds. We called the ambulance multiple times after rounds of albuterol, pulmicort, , releasing the pressure in him stomach so he can "throw up". I cannot count the number of times he has changed color. It happened twice today even.
Somehow these episodes are also related to his feeding. I don't know how. After many tests at the hospital for reflux etc., our next guess is a sensory processing disorder, where the feeling of fullness causes anxiety, and this anxiety brings on a physical reaction like gagging, retching, leading eventually to not breathing well.
If this is true, it would be a blessing to not have a physical ailment to deal with, but it would require much wisdom on how to deal with his emotional reactions since he cannot speak to us using words, explaining how he is doing.
Than there is the guilt of having nursing help. I realize I cannot feel guilty over it because I cannot do it all by myself and I need time for the other children, but sometimes he screams and screams with anyone but me. And as a mom, that does truly break my heart. Perhaps he is spoiled, but I know he has not had an easy life. So many surgeries, not able to communicate his needs verbally, dislocated hips right now, not able to eat by mouth. I just can't help it sometimes. His joys are so simple and so connected to the love that the people in his life have for him that I feel that I need to give a little extra as he has had so many challenges. Only the Lord knows the right balance and I'm pretty sure no matter how hard I try I will ever be able to get it right. That is the time than I think that I have to trust the Lord that He knew all of this beforehand, and He allowed His disability, and He somehow knew the things that would come of it and thought it would all be worth it.
I think the hardest things is the emotional and physical exhaustion. Just when one thing gets resolved, another thing comes up. And we must do our best and keep persevering. I think of the Scriptures as to how perseverance will have it's perfect work in us and I trust the Lord is doing something in my life.
There has been much to be thankful for as well during this season. After being nearly frozen this winter and roasting last summer, we are so grateful for central heating and air. What a treat for us. There has also been the body of Christ who has loved us and nurtured us and shown unbelievable Christ like love. We are so grateful for the body of Christ.
We are grateful for the chance to learn to love.
The Lord is truly good. I think of the verse, "Come to me all you are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30
What a blessing that verse is, and how I want to grasp onto it, hold it, and have it sink so deeply into my heart that it changes me. That it changes my irritability to gentleness and understanding. That it lifts me up above the physical weariness to a strength of heart and mind that surpasses my physical strength.
Without the Lord, I could never do it. I am grateful for Him, and the fact that he brings grace, meaning, hope and joy to my life.
