When you are disappointed in yourself.

Sometimes it just seems like I'm doing so well.  I do the right things at the right time.  I'm eating right, I do my hair right, I'm fitting into my pants rights, I have my devotions and they are meaningful and speak right to me, I am a great mom, I never get impatient, I never say or do silly stupid things that make people look at me and shake their head, I smile at the right times, I say the right things, and they are all actually sincere, I get all my housework done, even with three kids, and I do their homeschool and they learn wonderfully, I speak perfectly to my husband and am a great wife......

And then there are those other days...., or even years....., and I get frustrated.  There is this vision of me that I know I should be, and whom I am falls woefully short.  The baby is up all night or his medicine is off and I am impatient and short with the kids, little things that shouldn't bother me do, I fall apart on my husband and he listens so kindly.

And then there are those times I say things in a group of people, or on Facebook and I realize it was really silly and people must wonder about me.  And even worse is when they say something about it, and I wish I hadn't been so open and honest about my insecurities, frustrations, humanness.  I wish I could just be seen by everyone as always perfect and having it together, and as always being sweet,and skinny, and never having a temper...., and I sigh.

Thankfully, God knows that we are not perfect.  He of course doesn't WANT me to say stupid things, or get frustrated with my kids, or, or, or...., but He is not surprised by it, and He loves me anyways.

Isn't that a truly beautiful thing.

And even when there are the things that are even worse about me, like when I hold a grudge, or I develop bitterness, or when I hurt someone unintentionally, or when I am not true to my word and am a flake.  These things are not OK to Him, but His wonderful grace and forgiveness steadies me and gives me the strength to keep going. 

He loves me.

The Bible says He knows we are but dust, and He does not give to us as our sins deserve. 

What a beautiful thing.  That is why grace is so amazing. 

Unlike that popular post on Facebook a while back "There comes a time in your life when you have to let go of everyone that brings you down,"  the Lord never lets go of us.  He always believes in us, He is always willing to be there for us, He sees us through the blood of His Son, Jesus.  I am so grateful that God doesn't dismiss us as his friends as easily as other people do. 

There are some people who cannot handle your issues.  Who don't do well when you have a bad day.  What about when you have a special needs child and you grieve for months.  There are some people who expect you to snap out of it quickly and hold it all together, just like you did before you received the devastating news.  There were some people who told me that I wanted too much sympathy (when I did everything I could not to burden others with my sorrow and my grief), there were those who told me that I didn't have enough faith in God or my son wouldn't have been born with a disability, there were those who told me I should have aborted him. 

Oh, thank goodness the Lord never says those things to us.  In fact he even says, "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden."  He says, "Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." 

And even when things are our fault, He says, "There is no more condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  "As far as the east is from the west is how far he has removed our transgressions from us." 

So, I am going to acknowledge my sin, and I am going to kneel before the Lord and thank Him.  Thank Him for unconditional love, thank Him that He doesn't see me that way, but He sees me through His Son Jesus, thank Him that I can continue on. 

I don't have to have self esteem, I can have amazing grace and unconditional love.  I don't have to pull myself up by my bootstraps, I am being lifted up gently in strong, loving, forgiving arms and loved, accepted, understood and gently told to continue on, to try again, to not become weary in well doing.  I have love to back me up, strong arms to run into.

People will see and believe what they want to see.  Sometimes what they see is valid, sometimes it isn't.  But thankfully the Lord is willing to be our strength, our confidence, our security.

When I am disappointed in myself, there is someone who still believes in me.  I am grateful, and pray I can walk in that knowledge and truly believe it. 

What is my purpose?

We say goodbye, we close the doors behind us so to speak.  We acknowledge the challenging, the difficult, but we choose to look at the good, we choose to be thankful. 

And as we move from one phase to another, the question starts to plague us..... what is our purpose now?  That thing that defined us for so long, that was so much of who we were.  We left for what we believe were good reasons, reasons that honored the Lord, that would bring about spiritual health for our family, but so much of who we were was wrapped up in this circumstance of our life.

And so, thankfully, I am driven back to the Word, not back to my external works and what looks righteous, but to the One to whom my heart is laid bare.

And in Him is peace, and these incredibly comforting thoughts....

My purpose is simple.

To love the Lord with all my heart, mind, and strength

To love other people as myself.  

My purpose is not in an outward position, but in an inward position of the heart.  My purpose is not in an outward acknowledgement of leadership, but an acknowledgement of me serving others.

There is a peace, there is an realization that what the world counts as foolishness is wise in heavens eyes.

There is an acknowledgement that by these choices I am counting on the eternal, that in heaven the Lord who sees all, will truly see all, He will lay bear the intents of  my heart.

Oh Lord, may the eternal truly be something I live for, thank you for how it softens the blows and challenges of this world, because there is Someone who truly loves us and understands us.   

And until then, my purpose is simple, not easy, but simple.  Keep me focused on that.  I know my earthly tendency to focus on what is seen.  

Help me love.

When life hurts

I wake up..... the clock says 3:30.  I struggle with the frustration inside of me... why?  I have so much on my plate already, my life is full, I am a caretaker, people depend on me, why can't my body let me get the sleep I need.

And as I lay there, the thoughts start swirling in my head.  Those hurtful words, that person who was sure they were right, and perhaps they were, but the tone in which it was said, the harshness, lack of gentleness. 

The complete misunderstanding, the harsh judgements that were made without ever talking to me.  They laid right into me.  My heart still bleeds, but my wound is starting to heal.  There will always be a scar, but I know there are good things that come with scars

It has affected those deep parts of me.  I long to take the truth, internalize it, learn from the good, and then let go of the hurtful parts, but why is it that the hurt comes back so quickly?

I am in a room, my heart hurts, I am breaking....., people are laughing, they look successful, they don't realize, and I pray they never will, the heartache I have to go through..... having a child who you know will one day fly away into the arms of Jesus....  How can you prepare for that, there is no way. 

Loneliness, pain, misunderstanding, exhaustion, dashing of lifes dreams.

Lord...... why?

My child, my child, I love you.  You are my child.  I see things that you don't.  My will for you is that you become like a beautiful diamond, pure silver, refined gold.  None of these things can happen without the chiseling hammer, the refining fire.  

Lord, let me accept this.  I don't want it, but help me to accept the refining that You have in my life.... bring me to Your Word Lord.

My friend, I would never want pain in your life, but if there is pain, know I am praying for you, and praying that You would sense God's love, peace and purpose in it.

May we walk together, hold each other up.  Let me know how I can pray for you

We are all loved, we are all under amazing grace..... may that truth sustain us, and may we feel His amazing love for us.